


high hopes (when you let it go, go out, and start again)

by callmeshakesqueer



Series: sometimes home can be another person [1]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: (a little bit), Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexuality, F/F, Fluff, Lesbians, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, by accident believe me, cause u know..., dianetti, i added that angst, i fixed the canon, mostly angst but also some fluff, rosa post prison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 09:17:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19438471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmeshakesqueer/pseuds/callmeshakesqueer
Summary: As Rosa Diaz comes back to the routine after the prison, it turns out nothing is like it used to be. Something is clearly off, but is it real or all in her head? Or is it both?The last person she expected, is there for her to figure it out and comfort her.





	high hopes (when you let it go, go out, and start again)

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to warn there are mentions of ptsd and anxiety attacks, if it triggers you it's the best to leave.  
> also, there are slight changes in gina's pregnancy timing for the sake of this fanfic. fuck the canon.

Rosa doesn’t remember a lot about her way back from the prison.

It’s Captain Holt with his husband who picks her up and she is somewhat thankful it turns out to be them. No physical greetings because they are never like this. She doesn’t want to be touched. Never again.

She throws herself on the backseat next to the tiny bag - not much to be brought back from the hell created on earth.

They drive in silence which isn’t that kind she needs. This silence is nervous, uncomfortable, past events are hanging in the air, unspoken. Despite usual lack of words in Raymond’s presence, today Rosa physically can feel the pressure of unsaid questions. Some parts - no - all parts in her want to leave the car. The highway is too long, too tiring, too strangling her smoked with memories lungs.

Diaz only wants to sleep; finally close her eyes with no worries and rest. As she does it, bloody and grim images burn her eyes, tears collect in the corners. So she continues the ride to her apartment wide opened and awake, cautious and coy. The predator is observing her, Rosa feels it. She has to be a prey they won’t be able to catch.

When they reach the destination, she quietly thanks Captain and Kevin, takes her little bag and crawls out of the vehicle. As the car leaves the parking lot, she runs for her life right to the dark wooden door. The real silence greets her inside.

And Rosa can’t decide if being completely alone is a blessing or a curse.

She doesn’t sleep that night for more than three hours, waking up from time to time. At first, screaming and trying to reach through the panic to reality, later shaking, her back wet from sweat.

Detective Diaz may have left the prison but the prison hasn’t left her.

* * *

The next day at work leaves her breathless. Everyone is disgustingly excited to see her and Jake back at the precinct.

They lock their eyes together many times; both work behind the desk, and both hope paperwork will be an escape. The most touchy, silly person, Jake Peralta moves back when Charles tries to embrace him for the fifth time in an hour. A quiet understanding hides between them and Rosa can see in the reflection of his glance, similar demons that have crept into her brain.

Gina walking back and forth through the room what feels like infinity drives Rosa crazy. For God’s sake, it’s Gina! Isn’t she supposed to be sitting behind her desk and scroll through twitter?

At that moment, the detective notices a detail she missed before. Gina still wanders around and comments everyone’s work as if the world of Diaz’s hasn’t changed. She walks and walks and walks, with a stomach bigger than it used to be. Rosa can’t stop gawking. A visible bump, round and smooth, makes a shape through the blouse Linetti wears.

It gets all of Rosa’s attention and she slowly gets up, trying not to make too much noise. Before prison she couldn’t care less about it; now, every loud sound sends a wave of shivers down her body, making it almost a painful experience.

She chooses to sit beside Amy’s desk and the woman instantly smiles. “Oh, Rosa, hi.” As if she knows about Rosa’s struggles, her voice is gentle and moduled.

“Is Gina pregnant?” The question rips through Diaz’s throat. An urgent need to hit herself for being _so unlike her old self_ appears in her head. Being nosy; asking too many questions only brings problems - she learned it hard way at the prison.

Amy notices how Rosa blenches after speaking up, of course, she does. She finds more and more similarities in Jake and Rosa’s behaviour, trying to wash off the worry from her face because she doesn’t want to alarm Rosa.

“Yes, she is.”

As an answer, Diaz nods and bites her tongue, stealing a fast glance at the civilian administrator. She hasn’t even known Gina had someone. Someone to have a child with, more precisely.

Detective Santiago senses Rosa’s hesitation and decides to continue the conversation by herself; she explains everything. “She tried to hide who the father is while Terry, Boyle, and I… let’s say, investigated. But after a few hours she gave up; it is one of Boyls.”

For the first time in weeks, Rosa starts to chuckle; eyebrows raised in amusement, almost disbelief. Although, it’s Gina Linetti after all - capable of everything. And some part of her is disappointed. There was always something left hanging between them; stolen moments and glances, one drunk kiss four years ago.

“It was a one night stand and Charles already hates that cousin, not knowing who he exactly is. In my opinion, that man acted quite good for a reaction to unwanted pregnancy, told Gina having baby is her decision since he doesn’t want to raise it. If she does, he will support her financially.

“She told you all about it?”

“Yes. Alright, no,” Ames sighs and lowers her voice. “I overheard her talking through the phone. She ignored us since we found out.”

Abruptly, loud noise resounds at the precinct - Sergeant Jeffords while explaining something to Boyle, broke a glass. It’s all it takes for Rosa’s body to get ready for the danger - fast heartbeat, high adrenaline causing to blood pump through her veins. She loses her breath, watches the place for the closest way of escaping.

Her wild eyes track the opening elevator.

Some voice in her head tells her how ridiculous it is - whole escaping thing - and if she has to, there are side stairs! But the voice is too quiet.

She storms straight to the elevator, bumping into the person who just left it, lasts of her conscious brain tells her to click the level zero. Before the door closes, someone enters the minimal space.

The engine starts working, moves down and Rosa doesn’t even know when she kneeled and hid her face in sweaty hands.

“Rosie, are you okay?”

Gina bows as much as she is able to with the round stomach but when she tries to run her fingers through the chaos of black locks to calm Rosa down, the woman flinches and moves away. She murmurs words hard to understand, filled with panic and fear that Gina can’t understand at all.

A “stop” button is heavily pushed by Linetti’s swollen index finger and they are stuck between second and first floor. She doesn’t give a damn if someone wants to go home right now; Rosa Diaz matters more than all of the people in this building. Struggling a lot, Gina slides down after leaning onto the metal wall, not carefully enough in her opinion.

She sits with legs straightened, one foot apart with Diaz and feeling a little bit hopeless at first.

Rosa is shaking and loudly breathing through her mouth like she just ended a marathon, tears are falling down her cheeks, wetting sleeves of the long grey shirt.

“Hey, Rosie, it’s me, Gina. You’re safe here, you’re with me.” Gina softly says and then adds a question, “What’s happening?” Though she thinks she knows.

Back in the high school, Jake used to act similarly; but not identical. She spent countless nights on sleepovers with him talking the problem through and when he fell asleep, she tried to find as much information about anxiety/panic attacks as possible. Eventually, Gina got pulled into the chemistry of the human brain and despite, she never was good at science (or rather, science was never good at Gina), she actually learned a lot.

And now the definition of PTSD is circling around her head.

Cut off short words are coming out of Diaz’s mouth, shaken by the sobbing. The elevator stays unmoved and Gina can hear confused and angry people on the lower floor.

She places her right hand between their bodies,” Take your time. Catch my hand when you’re ready.”

Rosa wipes the tears off into her already wet blouse. There are dark stains underneath her armpits and around the neck, shivering doesn’t stop; Gina finds it a disturbing thing, to watch the badass Rosa Diaz, one and only, suffering so much. Suffering _too much_.

A cold hand falls onto her warm palm and Rosa comes closer to Gina, craving human touch, yet being dulled while thinking of it.

They spend together five more minutes sitting close to each other: Linetti puts her hand around Diaz’s waist and the other woman hides her face in the crook of her neck. They’re not changing positions until the elevator moves. Then, Rosa gets up, fastly clicking the button with a number of their floor and delicately pulls Gina up because she isn’t able to get up by herself.

Before the door open, Rosa glares at Gina, “If you dare to tell an-”

“Okay, okay, girl, I know” Gina rolls her eyes. “You will kill me.”

The conversation is ended just like that, the detective leaves no more words or threatens.

Gina spends her work hours on googling everything about PTSD.

* * *

_Nightmares, flashbacks, strong feelings of distress when reminded of the event, increased heart rate, sweating, being jumpy, difficulty concentrating, feeling constantly on guard._

Gina cannot sleep that night, neither the next one.

Reason number one: the baby won’t stop kicking her guts and she has to pee every other minute. Reason number two: Rosa. Rosa, Rosa, Rosa.

Finally, after one a.m. on Saturday night, she takes her phone into hands (alright, she held it all the time, scrolling through the twitter) and chooses messages with Rosa Diaz.

 **gina** : r u alright?

The respond comes after three minutes and Linetti knows right away the true answer is negative. Diaz always has, or rather had that crazy sleep schedule - always asleep after eleven and awake at five o’clock.

 **rosie** : The heck Linetti

 **rosie** : Yeah

Gina sighs and stops the eyeroll, which is supposed to hide the worry heavily sitting on her chest.

 **gina** : so why arent u asleep?

 **rosie** : You aren’t asleep either.

 **gina** : can i come see u

 **rosie** : It’s after midnight and you don’t know my address, also you’re pregnant

 **gina** : first of all, i know everything bout everyone dont underestimate me

 **gina** : and pregnancy isnt a sickness i can leave my house

 **rosie** : Ugh i’m coming over, i know you won’t drop it. It’s dangerous for the baby.

 **gina** : u literally threatened to kill me on multiple occasions

The civilian administrator is left on read, so she gets up to prepare some tea and plays Beyonce to not get bored easily. Dancing became harder with every month of carrying a baby, though she never stops dancing. It’s just in her veins.

She stops when quiet knocking resounds in the apartment.

Rosa is wearing her usual leather jacket but instead of her tight black jeans, there are sweatpants; she has two messy space buns on top of her head, some strings let loose are falling around her face which is completely bare, no sign of makeup. It’s the first time, Gina sees Diaz on that level of vulnerability, even the jacket can’t hide softness.

The oxygen leaves her lungs, never to be caught again as Rosa comes closer… and hugs her?

Gina Linetti has dreamt about touching Rosa many times, awake or asleep, doesn’t matter, but not in those circumstances. It’s just so wrong. So off.

But she holds her until Rosie decides on her own to step back. The administrator laughs when she sees hidden threaten in Diaz’s look.

“Babe, you can’t look serious in those buns,” _Because you look so gorgeous I can’t focus on anything else_ , Gina finishes in her head. “We can watch something on my laptop.”

“Neat.” Rosa passes through the kitchen and takes two cups with tea which stand on the counter.

“My bedroom,” Linetti gestures on what Rosa rises her eyebrows, not really convinced.

“My back hurts so bad I have to lie down. I won’t do anything to you, Rosie. Move.”

Rosa’s eyes escape contact that could connect their looks and without adding anything more, goes to the right direction. Hell begins when Gina turns the lights down behind them.

Before she can light up those in her bedroom, she bumps into Rosa a few steps ahead who is paralyzed.

At the human contact, Rosa stumbles over her own legs, ”Please, no, don’t, don’t, please-” Her voice is filled with fright.

“Hey, Rosie, it’s just me.” Gina says but the terror creeping under detective’s skin is slightly getting into her, too. Diaz doesn’t stop begging for mercy and crying.

In waves of fear and darkness, Gina reaches through it and finds the switch; the bedroom lights up second after.

Rosa is on the floor, eyes shut, one hand holding shirt between her fingers so hard they turn white, the other pushing non-existing something, or worse someone, away from her. As the light comes to her closed eyelids, she opens them and stops immediately if nothing has happened.

“How can you live like this?”

A ghost of bitter smile dances on Rosa’s lips, “I don’t. I just survive.”

“You know you should go to the therapy, Rosie?”

“Captain has been a pain in my ass about it.”

“And he’s right.” Gina firmly says.

Rosa presses her lips tight together and pulls herself up onto the edge of the bed with arms crossed on her chest. Gina follows her, reaching for the laptop on the way.

“Don’t” Gina looks confused at the detective. “Don’t take it. I just want to be here. With you.”

Gina makes herself cuddle underneath the bedsheets and Wolfie while Rosa doesn’t know what to do with herself, bit lost.

“Come here, Rosie.” Linetti stretches her left arm and Rosa pushes until she’s next to the woman. Breaking with all of her wills the trust issues, she snuggles into Gina, resting her heavy head on the arm.

“I’ll be here all night long, watching over you,” Gina promises she doesn’t break.

The baby kicking in her stomach doesn’t let her sleep longer than thirty minutes. She wakes up through the whole night as if the little person in her stomach is aware of the mission keeping Rosa safe. As she listens to Rosa’s loud and slow snoring, Gina is visiting all existing social media, later plays Kwazy Cupcakes, observes Latina’s chest rising and falling; always listening to the breathing filling in the room.

Tomorrow they will try again. Because they are too strong to give up; Gina would _never_ give up on Rosa.

Before the clock strikes five, Linetti drives off to sleep again, face stuck between two space buns, the smartphone lied on her chest, dropped from her hands.

* * *

The therapy is a secret only Gina and Captain Holt knows about.

Sessions are regular, every Wednesday Raymond lets Rosa earlier leave the work; no one asks unwanted questions, not even Boyle - dark gloomy glances sent from Diaz puts everyone in their place and pushes them away. Far away, enough to skip the questions.

But it’s too late to do the same to Gina Linetti.

They stay together side by side all the damn time. Gina thinks it’s cute - Rosa protecting her and the baby outside and later, being so vulnerable and so soft at home.

Rosa tells herself she keeps Gina close, so her secrets (terrible ones - nightmares each night, panic attacks and flashbacks) won’t see the daylight. All dirty lies.

She just simply got used to coming back to Gina’s apartment in the evening, almost never seeing her one. Echoes of her old life and old self are too loud there. Linetti’s apartment is the opposite kind of loudness - lazy aura, colorful mess, and Gina’s voice always talking.

Life will never be the same, like before prison, though lately, she is asking herself if it is that bad. A lot has changed, but also for good:

1). They made a new tradition and every weekend girls meet up at Amy and Jake’s place. Amy and Rosa are drinking cheap wine Jake has bought them before he left to Charles. Gina laughs at them. They tell the little miracle in the Linetti’s stomach stories of things happened on the precinct until Amy passes out. (God protect anyone who meets Four-Drinks-Amy on their way). They sleep cuddled, Rosa in the middle, on the big double bed; Jake has to sleep on the sofa after he comes back.

2). Rosa and Jake almost never mention what happened in the prison but are aware of the connection which was made between them. It can keep Rosa’s chin up sometimes, not being alone in this shit.

“Besties who went to prison together, stay together.” Jake once told her and she couldn’t help but smile.

3). Therapy isn’t _that_ bad. Diaz is the most private person ever alive and it’s hard to keep herself from threatening the psychologist (she did it with two previous ones, didn’t end great). Also, thanks to the therapy she came out to her parents. It all went down, they have forsaken her but Jake was with her all the time, Gina too. And it leads to one more tradition.

4). Family Games Night - every Friday the whole squad gathers at Rosa’s place (of course, Gina had to tell them where Rosa lives). With them, it doesn’t feel so lonely.

Rosa is thinking about all of it; about changes as she lies on the couch with Gina’s feet thrown onto her lap. She massages them - Linetti purres, her one hand is placed on her growing belly hidden under Gina Knows Best hoodie.

“Maybe we should take the Family Games Night to your place?” Rosa asks, rethinking the idea and tasting how it sounds leaving her mouth.

Gina stops looking into her phone and focuses on Rosa, with one eyebrow raised, lips pushed forward.

Diaz deep down adores that expression most of all Gina make. When she doesn’t see it, see her for more than a day (what barely happens to be honest) the detective feels an eerie kind of homesickness. This face expression; the confusion mixed up with amusement oddly melts her heart to a pool of love.

At first, she tried to push those feelings away what wouldn’t be a hard task - the art of dissociation from emotions is something she’s been perfecting the whole life. Turned out to be a really unhealthy coping mechanism as she learned at the therapy. (Screw this psych bitch, she thought in the first moment. Now she has to agree. Not healthy at all).

“Why so, Rosie?”

“I don’t know, it’s just that I only go to my apartment at Fridays to play games with you, later come home here, so there’s no use of it”

“You think this is your home?” Gina still stares and Rosa has that unpleasant feeling - like a deer caught in the headlights. She feels her pulse fasting, palms getting sweaty, so she stops massaging Gina’s feet.

The civilian administrator’s cough brings her back to Earth, “Hey, Rosie, open your eyes. Everything is good, you’re safe. You’re with me.” She smoothly places her hand on Rosa’s cheek, thumb moving back and forth.

Only that stops Rosa from escaping, leaving it all and running.

“I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I didn’t even realize I was.” Gina says softly, keeping her hand in the same place.”Yeah, it’s your home, babe.”

“I just wanna be there for you, right away, when the baby is born.”

Gina’s eyes are twinkling. _Stupid pregnancy, hormones are taking over_ , she tells herself.

“Enigma.” The tears start flowing though she tries to fight them, so she manages to choke out one single word.

“What?” Diaz is clearly terrified by emotions.

“It’s a girl. Enigma.”

Rosa’s eyes also become wet, “Iggy. I like it.” She smiles and tries to wipe away Gina’s salty tears while her own are streaming down. It’s too domestic, completely not Diaz stylez.

It’s the first time they kiss.

Gina leans into gentle hands of the Latina, they are both swiped, holding onto each other dearly as their lips touch time by time. Unknown before desire rushes through their veins.

Making out with Rosa Diaz is freaking hot. No doubt about it.

She tries to be light but Gina pushes, pushes and pushes, until Rosa is over the edge, her mouth aggressive, after sometime moving down to the neck. Rosa kisses, sucks and bites the skin, not caring about leaving marks. Gina is on her maternity leave, nobody would see it. Fuck tomorrow meeting with Amy.

“Come and get it, girl,” Gina moans and changes her position, so her neck is more exposed.

After the moment gets too heated, even for Diaz (doesn’t happen often), she pulls back when Gina starts unbuckling her pants.

The auburn-haired woman is lying on her back, lips completely red and swollen, big blush is blooming on her cheeks and tip of her nose as if she was freezing; pair of green eyes dangerously gleaming and staring into Rosa’s soul. The very sight does something to her, almost makes her unbuckle the skinny black jeans by herself. But then her eyes drop onto Gina’s stomach.

The baby.

Right, the kiddo. Iggy.

“You’re pregnant.”

“I can see why they made you a detective.” Gina beams.

“No, Gina, what if I hurt you somehow?” She sits up. And really tries to ignore Linetti’s legs spread apart.

“Damn, Diaz. I’m horny. But like really horny.” Gina grumbles and splits her focus between Rosa’s concerned face and zipper of her jeans.

“I can tell,” Rosa says. “Though-”

“So, come here!” Gina tries to pull her in.

This time Rosa flinches nervously and scared moves further from the woman. “Please, don’t…”

Gina can taste her heart breaking.

“I didn’t mean it, Rosie. I’m so sorry, it was so stupid, I forgot what happened,” She stumbles over her own words, not being able to comprehend her thoughts into verses.

“I know” Diaz sharply cuts off the apology. “I’m simply not ready yet.”

“I get it, girl. We can just cuddle for how long you need to. We can only cuddle if that’s what you want.” Gina smiles reassuringly to her girlfriend. “We don’t have to have sex, like, ever. All I care is you and your well-being.”

Rosa turns her crimson face away. It’s been too much blushing, crying, showing emotions for tonight. Let the curtains fall, damn.

“What do you say ‘bout spooning here and watching _the Walking Dead_?”

“You hate that show.”

“No, Iggy hates it. She can make an exception, just for you, baby.”

“Sure?” Rosa faces Gina.

“One-hundred percent.” Gina reaches for Rosa’s hand and places it on one of the most vulnerable places on her stomach. As if Enigma knew what’s going on, she kicks the hand. And Rosa grins, although wonders if it’s an early punishment for watching her favourite TV show.

Due to Gina’s state ( _pregnancy is a state of mind, bitches_ how she says) she has to be the little spoon. Rosa doesn’t mind, holding her close, legs curved behind Gina’s; one hand underneath her own head for support, the other one thrown carefully on Linetti’s waist; nose stuck in the thick hair and filling up her nostrils with lavender scent.

“When Iggy is born, by the way, I love this nickname, you’ll get to be the little spoon,” Gina whispers as they lie down comfortably and she is looking for the right show.

There is rather alarmed kind of expression on Rosa’s face, although she is trying to hide behind disinterest. “No need to.”

As a response, she feels Gina shaking with soft chuckles.

“Really, you can be the little spoon.” Later when Rosa falls asleep on the sofa, after watching three episodes of _the Walking Dead_ , she argues through her asleep about being the little spoon. Linetti fights with her whole self just to not burst out laughing.

“Oh, Rosie, you cold stone bitch, you care way too much. I love you.”

She really loves every side of Rosa - the softie, the badass motorcyclist, the angry detective, the traumatized prisoner. She’ll be by the woman’s side until the end of the world. It’s safe to say, she can count on the same.


End file.
